'Gnomeo and Juliet' directed by Kelly Asbury.

Produced by: Baker Bloodworth, David Furnish, Steve Hamilton Shaw and Elton John.

Written by: John R. Smith, Rob Sprackling, Kelly Asbury, Mark Burton, Andy Riley, Kevin Cecil, Emily Cook, Kathy Greenberg, Steve Hamilton Shaw.

Starring: James McAvoy, Emily Blunt, Michael Kane, Jason Stratham, Maggie Smith, Patrick Stewart and a bunch of other Brits.

Music by: Elton John, Chris P. Bacon and James Newton Howard.

Year of release: 2011.

Budget: $36 Million.

Gross Revenue: $189, 712, 432.

My girlfriend chose this movie when we were in the video-store looking for something to watch. I have a sneaking suspicion that she chose it because she’s halfway through the fifth season of Six Feet Under and just needs a break from all the fucking sadness that seems to permeate every second of that show. Regardless, I didn’t complain too much because the idea of Romeo and Juliet as a computer animated kid’s film intrigued me. I wondered whether or not the titular gnomes would meet the fateful end that garnered the original play its tragedy tagline (the gnomes don’t kill themselves by the way, something which annoyed me a little bit before I realised that suicide is probably a little bit too hectic for kids aged 4-10 to have to confront.)

The music of Elton John worked pretty well for the most part, however I did think that they could have used more of his songs here. I think you get three or four of them, and it’s nice to see how the film-makers fit them into the story, but I was hanging out for Goodbye Yellow Brick Road or Love Lies Bleeding, and instead got the typically clichéd Your Song. Also, Elton John doesn’t actually sing many of the songs; they are covers by artists who by definition (i.e.- not being Elton John) are inferior.

Apart from that, the story is pretty good and the movie actually works as a kind of introduction to the themes of Romeo and Juliet for kids. The best part about the movie however is definitely the gnomes. They are all very cute and they get up to all kinds of gnome mischief, which is what you want to see in a movie like this. Particular favourites include the red gnomes which all run around and say funny things. Also the flamingo was pretty cool.

The movie isn’t all skittles and sunshine though, and if I had of been at the premiere sitting in close proximity to the film’s director, during the credits I would have huffed “Well it was no fucking Pixar Film, that’s for sure!” before I tossed the remainder of my popcorn to the floor and spat on the seat. No, come on, I wouldn’t do that. If I was actually invited to the premiere of a movie, I’d be well chuffed to meet everyone and generally just pleased to get out of the house.

The Good: The constant references to different Shakespeare plays in the same way that various elements of pop. culture are referenced in the Shrek movies. Sure, some of the Shakespeare references are a bit cheap (in the Gnomeo and Juliet universe there is a removalist company called Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Removals), but at least it’s sort of trying. Also Ashley Jenson’s turn as Nanette the frog is really refreshing because she actually tries to be something other than the character she was famous for in Extras. Something which can’t be said for Stephen Merchant, who plays the same character in every fucking thing he’s in.

The Bad: At the beginning of the movie, a gnome comes out and says something along the lines of: “Before we begin the movie, I must read out a long and boring prologue to establish the scene...” He then sets about reading the opening lines from Romeo and Juliet before being booed off stage. It sort of screamed ignorance to me and reminded me of one of those douche bags that everyone knows that says something like: “Shakespeare was ruined for me in school...” whenever the topic turns to Shakespeare, as if anyone gives a shit what you think, you narcissistic cunt.

The Ugly: The gnomes all breathe as though they are just regular humans. There are several scenes where some of them exert themselves and then have to catch their breath, and everything seems to work as though they have organic lungs. Yet whenever they eat, the food clunks as it goes down as if it were rubbing against porcelain. That shit sent a shiver down my spine.

Three stars:

'The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring [Extended Edition]' directed by Peter Jackson.

Produced by: Peter Jackson, Barrie M. Osborne, Tim Sanders and Fran Walsh.

Written by: Fran Walsh, Philippa Boyens and Peter Jackson. (Based on the book by J.R.R Tolkien.)

Starring: Elijah Wood, Ian McKellen, Viggo Mortensen, Sean Astin, Liv Tyler, John Rhys-Davies, Orlando Bloom, Sean Bean, Billy Boyd, Dominic Monaghan, Cate Blanchett, Christopher Lee, Hugo Weaving and Ian Holm.

Music by: Howard Shore.

Distributed by: New Line Cinema.

Year of release: 2001.

Run time: 228 Minutes.

Budget: $93 Million.

Gross Revenue: $870, 761, 744.

So the blu-ray extended editions of The Lord of the Rings have been released and I managed to watch the first instalment with friends just the other day. I realise that everyone has seen these movies already, but I thought I would write about them because... Fuck you, that’s why.

The Lord of the Rings has always been dear to me. At high-school when the inevitable Lord of the Rings vs. Harry Potter debate came up it was always no contest. Harry Potter had a bunch of kids stumbling awkwardly through their adolescence and Lord of the Rings had fucking Aragon handing a delicious pot of smack down to a bunch of cloak wearing mother-fuckers, culminating with him throwing a burning torch at one and setting him on fire. You won’t find that at Hogwarts, I always used to say. Also the lines are just more memorable in LOTR. Anytime I walk through the automated sliding doors at shopping centres, I’m sure to whisper ‘Mellon’ so that no one around me will hear it. Don’t get me wrong, Harry Potter had its charms too, but I didn’t hear anyone cheering in the cinema during Goblet of Fire. In the cinema where I first viewed Fellowship however, the crowd erupted in spontaneous applause when Aragorn beheaded that huge orc that killed the troubled, yet ultimately good, Boromir.

Fellowship is defintiely my favourite of the trilogy, and I’m sure it has nothing to do with the quality of the other films. I suppose it’s because I saw Fellowship with both my parents when they were still together. It was during the following year that they separated and ultimately divorced. So I went into Fellowship still firmly in the familial nest, at the tender age of fifteen when the ideas of magic and wonder were still very accessible to me. The next year, after the nest was ripped apart, I viewed The Two Towers through a much more cynical lens. I still enjoyed it, but only amidst a cloud of anxiety and general stress. When I watched Fellowship  again, I was able to remember the good times that I had with my family, because seeing it at the cinema was one of the good times we had. I’m not sure whether that’s sad or not, but I think it speaks to the way in which pop. culture is so deeply enmeshed with our own emotional development. At least if you were one of the awkward kids at high-school.

The Good: The atmosphere of mystery and awe that is generated so well in this first chapter. A lot of the scenes are ‘talking’ scenes, and we definitely get the sense that some bad shit is gonna go down before it’s all over. The intensity is brought across in the dialogue which is laced with a subtext of apocalyptic anxiety. Even Elrond walks around like he is in need of a cigarette, and he’s the king of the most peaceful race in Middle-Earth! Also, the killer musical score that reaches an explosive climax during the mines of Moria—specifically the part where Aragorn and Frodo successfully jump from the massive broken piece of stair-case and the fellowship triumphantly run off as an alternate chorus of Howard Shore’s score blares.

The Bad: I’m also a big fan of the books, and I’m a bit pissed that I can’t read them now without imagining Elijah Wood as Frodo. I used to have this clear image of what I thought Frodo—and hobbits in general—looked liked, but that’s all shot to shit thanks to these movies which I’m sure executed the imaginations of thousands of Tolkien fans.

The Ugly: The king and queen Elves in Lothlorien talk too slowly. I remember being mesmerised by how cool they were when I first saw the movie. Now they just sound like they have a slight mental retardation.

I was tempted to give this a four star rating just because I didn’t want to look like too much of a geek, but 

fuck that shit right? It’s Lord of the Rings man.

Five Stars: